Here are some choice quotes from the recently read The Actor and the Housewife, which was not my favorite novel, but had its’ moments:
Becky felt a stitch of jealousy – Melissa looked cool with torn clothing and wild hair, while Becky would have resembled a Care Bear beaten and left for dead.
Hale, Shannon. The Actor and the Housewife. New York: Bloomsbury, 2009. 30
We’ve all been there.
The lady stared. ‘Um, I’ve only been working here for a couple of weeks and I have no idea how to respond to that. Would you please pretend that I replied appropriately? Great. Here are your room keys.
Hale, Shannon. The Actor and the Housewife. New York: Bloomsbury, 2009. 273.
In general, the lines that were obviously supposed to be funny from The Actor and the Housewife weren’t, but these two made me giggle.
- ‘Tis the season for colds and flus! I’m pretty sure I’ve been ill more days than I have been healthy. Ugh. Yet perhaps that is about to change, now that I know about this fun remedy. (It’s worth a try anyway, right?)
- If you don’t like the Toast, then I’m not sure we can be friends. (In particular, pretty much everything Mallory Ortberg writes makes me chortle.)
- If Hermione were the main character in “Harry Potter.” (Replete with feminism and gifs, you will not regret reading this article.)
- What Kristy Thomas (yes, of The Babysitters Club Kristy Thomas) thinks of the Sweet Valley Confidential series.
- One Dimensional Female Character from a Male-Driven Comedy. (Because sometimes, SNL gets it right.)
- I’m a sucker for an infograph, and the classics. This link provides both.
- A guy wrote a mystery novel with teddy bears, and got extremely irritated at what he perceived to be a negative review.
- Men are from bacon, women are from lemons. Read.
That’s right, folks, I’ve finished The History of Miss Betsy Thoughtless. And holy bovine, this book’s ending did not disappoint. Ah, the hilarity of a novel from the eighteenth century.
During my last blog post about this novel, the hero of the story was courting a boring chick who I had secretly hoped would prove to be a lesbian, but whom he actually just married.
While Mr. Trueworth was busy being bored with the now “Mrs.” Snoozeville, the charming and vivacious Miss Betsy was being flirty and tempting possible rapists. This behavior worried her brothers – because, come on, you can’t expect men not to rape you if you’re going to be all beautiful and shit, right? The eighteenth century was possibly not the best time to be a woman.
But don’t worry – Betsy’s brother’s weren’t worried for her physical and emotional well-being, or anything silly like that. In fact, they weren’t even particularly worried about her loss of virtue. They were worried she would be raped and people would find out about it and think poorly of the Thoughtless family – particularly, them.
Betsy’s brothers are so eager to get her married (and thus, off their hands & reputations), that they push her into a marriage with a guy who’s only pretending to love her.
Mr. Munden proves to be a real jerk, not giving Betsy much money, expecting her to pay for things for the house out of the pittance of an allowance he does give her, telling her she was being a prude when his friend he was hoping would give him money tries to rape her, and then having sexy times with a woman Betsy tries to help. Understandably, Betsy flees to her older brother’s house. Older Mr. Thoughtless allows this, because the woman Betsy was trying to help, and with whom Betsy’s husband committed adultery, was Mr. T’s former mistress.
Some other stuff happens, but the important things are that Mr. Trueworth’s wife dies a few weeks after they’re married (smallpox), and Mr. Munden (Betsy’s husband) dies after their separation from some illness that’s never explicitly named, but sounds like “I’m-a-weenie-who-can’t-handle-my-karma.” Trueworth sees Betsy again for the first time in months, and realizes that not even frigid sexy times with his boring, now-deceased wife could help him get over Betsy. He still loves her, she’s really been in love with him since before she even married Mr. Villain, and after an appropriate grieving period, they get hitched.
Told you it was hilarious.
I’m not going to lie – I don’t know how to caption this. But I love it.
A few awesome links I thought I would share (you know, instead of doing a real post). But seriously, read these, lest your head explode from missing so much awesome-ness.
- 25 Steps to Become a Traditional Writer – I know, I know. This link looks so cliche! But even if you already pretty much know what the steps are, Delilah Dawson’s manner of conveying this information (particularly via colorful metaphors) will make you happy you decided to click.
- A Publishing GIFt – Seriously, how will you fully understand my pun without clicking? *crafty look*
- A 6-Year-Old Guesses what Classic Books are about Based on their Cover – So maybe you shouldn’t judge a book by its’ cover, but when this kid does? Hilarious.
- Drama, drama, drama – Explained by Kurt Vonnegut.
- Neil Gaiman’s 8 Rules of Writing – I particularly like # 7.
- Pregnesia – The book you didn’t know you couldn’t live without reading its’ synopsis. It is Read-a-Romance month, after all.
Speaking of which, has everyone written their romance and posted a link to Mr. Linky? Based on the glaring lack of links on my widget – wow, that sounded dirty – I know the answer’s “no.” So get writing, writers! & maybe share a link dripping with awesome-sauce in the comments below.
Even though the author misspells “loaves,” he is forgiven, since he wrote a pretty awesome post.