4 Reasons Why “The Breakfast Club” Kind of Sucks

1. The nerd does everyone’s work by writing the essay, and is the only one who doesn’t get the girl.

Sure I'll write your essay. Wait...what? Why am I the only guy who doesn't get boob?!

Sure I’ll write your essay. Wait…what? Why am I the only guy who doesn’t get to touch boob?!

Now for those of you who are quick to reply: “But that’s just realistic. That’s the way things happen, in real life,” I ask: “Do we really watch John Hughes movies because we want realism?”

2. The “bad boy” actually… shows up? To detention?

Oh, yeah. Why did I do that?

Oh, yeah. Why did I do that?

For a second, I was like, “Maybe he has nothing better to do?” Yet he is amongst the people giggling hysterically because Ally Sheedy’s character admits to the same thing. Basically, if we’re going for any realism (and if we’re not, why can’t the nerd have a kiss?), there should be no movie, because Judd Nelson should be in an abandoned building/alley/parent-less house/etc., drinking away his problems.

3. Girls, you are only unhappy because you are ugly and don’t have a boyfriend.

I'm so happy, I'm writing in ALL CAPS, like North's dad, yo.

I’m so happy, I’m writing in ALL CAPS, like North’s dad, yo.

The image pretty much says it all, but watching this movie, the message being portrayed definitely seems to be: “Hey chick! Stop being such a downer. Pretty yourself up a bit and get yourself a guy! Then, you’ll feel better.” Even ignoring the misogynist sensibilities of the eighties – Ally Sheedy was much prettier before Molly Ringwald slathered make-up all over her face.

4. You probably don’t really understand that this movie is secretly all about Judd Nelson losing his virginity.

Look at how excited he is - not the reaction of a guy who gets laid all the time.

Look at how excited he is – not the reaction of a guy who gets laid all the time.

We could pretend this movie is all deep, and that these kids really learned something about themselves, but let’s face it, it’s not, and they didn’t.

So in case any of you missed the fact that: 1) the “bad boy” is really a virgin, & 2) he & Ringwald totally hook up before the movie ends, let me point out:

  • he showed up for detention
  • he’s an abusive jerk towards this girl he likes – & I realize that this is partially due to a cycle of abuse from his relationship with his father, and partially due to the fact that he’s never grown out of utilizing the social skills of a kindergartener – but when you’re always pushing people away, that doesn’t tend to bode well for your sex life
  • There are so many references to Ringwald’s sexual experience (or lack thereof). This girl who’s attracted to an abusive asshat is probably going to respond to these references by thinking, Hey, maybe it’s time I lost my v-card. There’s a jackass right here to do the deed. He’s been a jerk the whole time, but it’s only because his dad is a jerk. Hey, maybe sexy times will help me change him!
  • Sure, all we see is a kiss. But Ringwald & Nelson are in that closet for quite awhile whilst the aforementioned nerd is being taken advantage of and writing everyone’s essay. Certainly long enough for a guy who’s never had sex before to “do the deed.”
  • he decides to keep a trophy from the encounter. Would he really need a trophy for a deep, meaningful conversation? Doubtful.
  • he is way, way too excited near the end of the movie. Fist pumping? Really? You realize this man is providing inspiration for the dance moves of the future Jersey Shore cast, right? Not normal!

Anyway, these are only 4 reasons that I am not a super huge fan of “The Breakfast Club,” but of course there are more. Feel free to share your own problems with this movie, or defend it, if you think it is totally awesome! You are free to disagree with me, but unlikely to change my mind (I’m pretty stubborn).

What do you think? Am I completely wrong?

What do you think? Am I completely wrong?