I Just Watched “Elizabethtown.” It was a mistake.

Here are some of the reasons why:

  • Orlando Bloom tries to kill himself because he’s a failed shoe designer. No, really.
They're killers.

They’re killers.

  • Orlando Bloom designs & MacGuyvers together a bike machine & kitchen knife suicide machine. Because he can’t just overdose on sleeping pills, like normal people.
Suicide - Hollywood style

Suicide – Hollywood style

  • The Bloomster is upset that Jessica Biel broke up with him.
I'm sorry I'm not more sorry your relationship with this boring chick ended.

I’m sorry I’m not more sorry your relationship with this boring chick ended.

  • Kirsten Dunst has a southern accent. But worse, she totally stalks the protagonist, who is so shellshocked by his own failures & his father’s death that he is comforted by her constant, creepy presence & sleeps with her (thereby cementing his own death… she’s obviously obsessive & homicidal).
She's stalking/watching you...

She’s stalking/watching you…

  • Paula Deen. You’ve seen this woman’s smile, right? That soulless smile, in & of itself, is more conducive to a horror film. Then, there’s her constant presence in the kitchen, where she is no doubt slowly killing her faux family with diabetes-inducing dishes. (It’s totes okay, though, guys – she’s going to make a killing later advertising diabetic medication.)
deen smile

That creepy smile…

  • It contains the longest memorial service, ever, which everyone enjoys (even the spastic little kids).
Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Right.

  • The ending is almost good, until it’s ruined by kindling a romance instead of the homicide forecasted earlier…
Admit it - this totes would have made a better ending.

Admit it – this totes would have made a better ending.

That’s all I have the energy to mock right now; feel free to add to my list in the comments!

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3 thoughts on “I Just Watched “Elizabethtown.” It was a mistake.

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