Here are some of the reasons why:
- Orlando Bloom tries to kill himself because he’s a failed shoe designer. No, really.
- Orlando Bloom designs & MacGuyvers together a bike machine & kitchen knife suicide machine. Because he can’t just overdose on sleeping pills, like normal people.
- The Bloomster is upset that Jessica Biel broke up with him.
- Kirsten Dunst has a southern accent. But worse, she totally stalks the protagonist, who is so shellshocked by his own failures & his father’s death that he is comforted by her constant, creepy presence & sleeps with her (thereby cementing his own death… she’s obviously obsessive & homicidal).
- Paula Deen. You’ve seen this woman’s smile, right? That soulless smile, in & of itself, is more conducive to a horror film. Then, there’s her constant presence in the kitchen, where she is no doubt slowly killing her faux family with diabetes-inducing dishes. (It’s totes okay, though, guys – she’s going to make a killing later advertising diabetic medication.)
- It contains the longest memorial service, ever, which everyone enjoys (even the spastic little kids).
- The ending is almost good, until it’s ruined by kindling a romance instead of the homicide forecasted earlier…
That’s all I have the energy to mock right now; feel free to add to my list in the comments!