Craigslist & Centipedes

Centipedes

Hate centipedes; love this post.Centipede_(PSF)

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Quotes

Here are some choice quotes from the recently read The Actor and the Housewife, which was not my favorite novel, but had its’ moments:

Becky felt a stitch of jealousy – Melissa looked cool with torn clothing and wild hair, while Becky would have resembled a Care Bear beaten and left for dead.

Hale, Shannon. The Actor and the Housewife. New York: Bloomsbury, 2009. 30

We’ve all been there.

The lady stared. ‘Um, I’ve only been working here for a couple of weeks and I have no idea how to respond to that. Would you please pretend that I replied appropriately? Great. Here are your room keys.

Hale, Shannon. The Actor and the Housewife. New York: Bloomsbury, 2009. 273.

In general, the lines that were obviously supposed to be funny from The Actor and the Housewife weren’t, but these two made me giggle.

The Fakest Romance Novel You’ll Ever Read

I recently read The Actor and the Housewife, by Shannon Hale, and it’s kind of hilarious. Not usually when it’s intended to be, but still, I had plenty of giggles.

actor and housewife

When I read the blurb on the inside cover, I immediately thought to myself: Hm, this sounds like at least half of the stories on Wattpad. I was right. This is the story of a plain, overweight Mormon housewife who keeps coincidentally crossing paths with the hunkiest hunky-hunk Hollywood hearthrob, and then they become BFFs!

In my mind, he looks like this. Particularly since his initials are F.C. and he's British. #ontoyouHale

In my mind, he looks like this. Particularly since his initials are F.C. and he’s British. #ontoyouHale

She ends up writing a rom-com (oh, yeah, she’s a screenwriter when she, you know, is bored b/c the kids aren’t around wrecking the house), which sells, and then she stars in it with her BFF Felix.

You guys, I'm not even joking.

You guys, I’m not even joking.

They both go through a tough time, and then Felix’s wife leaves him and Becky’s husband dies (remind you of another novel I’ve reviewed?), and then, THEN, Becky’s oldest child Fiona explains that God introduced Felix into Becky’s life so she could still get laid when God decided to rip the love of her life out of her life prematurely:

What if God knew that? What if he arranged for you and Felix to meet all those years ago, so that you’d be best friends, so that he’d be here for you after Dad’s death, and its be too late for you to shut him out? So that you could have someone to be with now, so that you could keep feeling lovedso that you don’t have to be lonely. I think that’s something God would do.

Hale, Shannon. The Actor and the Housewife. New York: Bloomsbury, 2009. 307 [emphasis added]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHA *giggle* *snort* *chortle* Why don’t you recommend mom get a bikini wax while you’re at it, Fiona? I bet Felix isn’t used to hair down there.

bikini wax interesting

The grammar and writing is generally a tad better than the majority of what you see on Wattpad, although the ending is either going to cause you to feel relieved or disappointed, depending on the kind of reader you are.

reader

I recommend this if you’re looking for a frothy beach read. It’s enjoyable enough. You might want to get it from the library, or via cheap e-book deal if that’s available, because I don’t know if you’re likely to want to read it again.

Try not to incur library fees; it's not really worth it.

Try not to incur library fees; it’s not really worth it.

The Craigslist POSTER

choad

DUDE. You are SO fucking ANGRY that this CHICK doesn’t want to SCREW you. ALSO you use a LOT of capslock. Like, a lot.

This thing is all over the place. BUT I feel like it could be FUN to see the conversation that PROMPTed this post. If writing ABOUT that interaction TICKLES your fancy, please post a link in the comments below!

RANDOM CAPS LOCK ‘CAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT?!

Creepy Craigslist: The Only Response this Guy Deserves is a Restraining Order

ew...you have a wifeLet’s see, the poster:

  1. Has a wife
  2. Seems to think someone who works in retail smiling at him is a special sign of potential affection
  3. Oh, my bad. She also sometimes says “Good morning.” Yep, that sounds like a woman who’s desperate to have sex with you.
  4. Ends his listing with a question that is so, so skeevy.

This doesn’t sound like an asshole who harasses women and wants to (but probably can’t) cheat on his wife. Nope, not at all. #sarcasmintended

The Fishbowl

One of the best ways to develop character is through object placement. What kind of stuff would you find in your character’s bedroom? You can tell a whole lot about people by the things they surround themselves with.

The Prompt- Write about a character who has a fish tank, but fills it with something unusual or frightening. How did they get it? What is inside of it? What happens if you stick your fingers in?

Sunday Writing Prompt

fishbowl

Melanie always felt a bit odd going to the Fishbowl to do her homework. In the dank, warm basement room filled with computers and surrounded by glass, she always felt like there were eyes on her. Watching her check her e-mail. Watching her write her essays. Watching her waste time playing solitaire. She was just imagining it, of course, but she couldn’t shake the feeling. It was like being the subject of a The Police song. Every breath you take, every space you make, I am watching you… Yet here she was, her spine a-tingle, because her laptop had crashed, and her Victorian English essay was due in ten hours. Procrastination, and even trips to Best Buy, were no longer allowed. It was time to work.

*     *     *     *     *

She was perfect. Even watching her open up a Word document, those graceful fingers deftly maneuvering over the keyboard, was a beauty to behold.

His green eyes devoured her every movement – subtle movements, since she was stationed in front of a computer screen, writing an essay. She typed furiously, leant her cheek upon her hand, flipped long brown hair over her shoulder, and typed some more. Referenced some books. Checked her e-mail.

Was there anything he wouldn’t enjoy watching her do?

He supposed there was only one way to know for certain.

*     *     *     *     *

When the grumbling of her stomach became too loud and painful to ignore, Melanie decided to take a break. Images of greasy concoctions, available within the span of a few blocks, danced through her mind. (Clement Clarke Moore would not approve.) She was beneath the naked, grasping branches of an oak tree when it happened. Pain of a different sort affected her stomach as strong fingers dug into the soft flesh of her waist, pulling her back roughly. A hand over her mouth, holding a wet, damp rag. Melanie reached for the moon peeking through the tree branches above her, a muffled sound escaping her as the world turned black.

*     *     *     *     *

She was cold, and her limbs were heavy. Reaching her hands out to search for the blanket she must have thrown off while sleeping, Melanie found she was… lying on concrete? Her eyes shot open.

What. The…

She sat up on a concrete floor to see… glass. Surrounding her. She was in a rectangular box of glass, like a still-living Snow White in a glass coffin made by dwarves who got the specifications wrong. She reached out towards the ghostly Melanie visible before her, leaving hand smudges on the cool glass.

Focusing outside of the glass box, she quickly spied a camera. Awesome.

“Hello?” she called out, her voice wavering, sounding small in the cavernous, empty basement. “Hello?! Is anyone there?”

Clumping footsteps sounded on the stairs. “You must be hungry,” a deep voice said. The clumping produced a bearded, middle-aged man, holding a pizza.

Melanie’s stomach grumbled. “No, I’m fine,” she said. “But I kind of need to leave. I have an English paper to finish!”

The man frowned. “I’m afraid I can’t allow that.”

Of course not. Well, she had had to try, right?

“What do you mean? I can’t fail English. My father’s an English professor; he’ll kill me! This paper is worth 40% of my grade.”

“Oh, I’ll let you finish your paper. I just can’t let you out.”

Melanie blinked a few times. Nope. Still didn’t make sense. “Pardon?”

“But first, you should really eat. You’re much too thin.” The man climbed a ladder, placing the pizza in a hitherto unnoticed pulley system, which he then proceeded to carefully lower down to her. She removed the food, briefly wondering if a hunger strike could lead to her release.

“You don’t get out if you stop eating. But I will get you a laptop in an hour so you can work on your paper.” The man sat down on a folding chair, looking at her intently.

“Who are you?” Melanie asked.

“Just an admirer,” he replied. His eyes stared at her, too-focused and unwavering, and she grabbed a slice of pizza to have something else on which to focus.